"Autobiography of a Face"

For my nonfiction book, I chose Autobiography of a Face by Lucy Grealy. In the novel, Lucy describes her long-fought battle with a potentially terminal cancer, Ewing's sarcoma. The cancer is in her jaw, and she must undergo multiple surgeries that leave her face permanently disfigured. Grealy was diagnosed at age nine, and her entire life was shaped by her face.

When Lucy is first diagnosed, she certainly doesn't take the news like most other children, or even adults for that matter, would. She is excited because she has always wanted to be "different from everyone else." She sees cancer as her way of standing out from the crowd and getting noticed. Lucy states that her "heart thrilled when [she] heard the words 'emergency surgery,'" and she wasn't referring to a thrill of fear. This was intriguing to me--I still get nervous about getting a shot. I can't imagine the fear I would have felt as a nine-year-old having to face countless surgeries, tests, and other procedures. It made me wonder what it is that make some people like this. Why is Lucy so excited for the surgery, and to be "different?" Why, on the other hand, are some kids so eager to fit in and be just like everyone else? Did Lucy truly understand the impact this disease would have on her life, and if she did, would she ever have been so excited? "Sometimes it is as difficult to know what the past holds as it is to know the future." This idea is very poignant, especially in Lucy's situation. It really made me think about how much our past can shape our lives, whether we realize it or not. Something that happened five years ago could have an impact 10 or 15 years down the road--we just never know. This is kind of scary to me, because it adds yet another element of unpredictability to our lives.

Another big element to Lucy's story is bravery. In my mind, this is the part of the book that is the most heartbreaking. Lucy tries her hardest not to cry or get upset, which is understandable, but when she does, she gets extremely angry at and disappointed with herself. Her expectations are too high--sometimes everyone just needs to let it out. Especially a child with cancer (or, frankly, anyone with cancer). Her philosophy is "one must be good. One must never complain or struggle...One must never, ever cry." This stopped my in my tracks. Never cry?! That would be detrimental to a person, to never show any emotion! It also brought up the age-old question: nature vs nurture. Lucy's parents hold the same philosophy she did. Her mother, after Lucy cried at her first chemotherapy appointment, tells her that she is "disappointed...that [she'd] cried." I would like to know if Lucy's mother was truly such an unsupportive parent, or if she really didn't understand any of what her daughter was going through. Obviously, Lucy was raised on the idea that crying meant weakness, but surely it couldn't be that ingrained in her head? Lucy all but punished herself for crying at her appointments. She later states that her mother "was afraid for" her, but I don't think that she should've transferred her fear onto Lucy in such a fashion; Lucy was dealing with far too much.

"What was it like to be somebody else?" Lucy is constantly asking herself this question. She believes that she is ugly, that nobody will ever love her, and that her face will define her life. I think that her face does define her life, but only because she lets it. She places so much stock in her appearance that she is never able to let her personality shine through. In order for Lucy to live a better life, I think she should've just tried to forget about what everyone else thought and just focus on being the best person she could be. I realize, however, that I am in no position to say this; I have never had to deal with anything more appearance-altering than a scar on my leg that has since faded. This is the problem with Lucy's disfigurement: it will never go away. A large portion of her jaw was removed in an attempt to cure her, and it will never grow back, never fade. I can't even imagine what it would be like living with that, but I would like to think that I would be able to put it aside and just live my life. Lucy has a very hard time doing that, and I think it is because it happened so young. Children her age are so impressionable and cruel--Lucy was forever mentally scarred from the incessant teasing and taunting that happened to her. Other boys told her no one would ever love her, and I think that is where her belief comes from. She was too young to have to deal with any of this, let alone the cruelty of others. This is an overarching belief that she holds until the day she dies--that she will never be loved because she is too ugly. I can't imagine living like this.

Lucy's story really affected  me. She faces so many hardships in it, and has little to no support from anyone throughout her ordeal. I know that Lucy was an incredibly strong person (she died in 2002); she dealt with this all alone and lived through it. When I seriously think about it, I don't know if I could've gone through what she did. It is incredible to me that she never had any problems with depression or mental illness. Most people I know would probably turn to drugs or alcohol (I don't like to think so, but I may even do so) in the face of what Lucy dealt with. Her face and the problems in her life were infinitely connected. She wanted someone to "fix [her] face, [her] life, [her] soul," and that really stuck with me. We put so much stock in appearances that an "unfortunate" one can completely take over our lives. She even asks "where was all that relief and freedom that I thought came with beauty?" Our expectations of being beautiful are so unrealistic, but we don't realize that until it is too late. With Lucy, even though she was a survivor of cancer, she could never shake the mark it left on her, physically at least. Oddly enough, she didn't seem to have any psychological problems that stemmed from her ordeal, besides thinking that she was ugly, unlovable, and worthless. Lucy's story really taught me a lot, and it made me think about what is truly important in life. It also made me very grateful for my health, and for the supportive people in my life. Lucy had neither of those things, and yet she was able to go on living. I admire her for that. She truly believed that "[her] life was 'different' from most people's, but it was essentially [her] own."

I will leave you with an incredibly thought-provoking quote from Lucy. It really struck me and changed the way I think about things:

"Joy is a kind of fearlessness, a letting go of expectations that the world should be anything other than what it is."

"The Great Lawsuit" & "If Men Could Menstruate"

Margaret Fuller and Gloria Steinem had some interesting views on the age-old debate of man versus woman. They are obviously very different views, seeing as Fuller's was written in 1843 and Steinem's in 1986. They share the (unfortunately true) opinion that men find themselves superior, and agree that men flaunt their position in society. However, they do both make some very interesting points that really made me think about my position in society as a woman.

One line that really caught my attention in Fuller's piece was the line: "there exists...a tone of feeling towards women as towards slaves." Were women really considered that inferior? It was shocking to me that any woman at any point in time would've felt this way, and it seemed as if they had no way to defend themselves. Men considered them to have "the prerogative of reason...allotted to them in a much lower degree," so they would never have their voices heard; they were not considered to be intelligent enough. It was as if they were not good enough to be able to possess reason and intelligence--they were treated like animals, much like African Americans were. Fuller then goes on to claim that "all men are privately influenced by women;" this seems contradictory to me. Didn't she just say that men didn't trust women to make decisions, that they weren't worthy of being intelligent? I do agree, though--whether they want to admit it or not, men are inherently programmed to respect the women in their lives, whether it be their mother, sister, or wife. Fuller also predicted that a woman was "not likely to leave [the home] more than she now does," which has obviously turned out to be untrue. Now, not only do women go out with other women, they leave the house to shop, run errands, and work all the time without their kids or husbands.

One real question remained after I had read Fuller's piece. Would women being perfectly equal to men bring harmony? Everyone expects that there would be no unrest if this were the case, but is that true? I am not saying that women should not be equal to men--they absolutely should be. However, I don't think it would solve all the world's problems like people think it would. It will be interesting to see what happens if women are ever actually equal to men.

To be quite honest, Gloria Steinem's article made me a little angry. To suggest that men would be considered superior to women for enduring something that women already do just seems preposterous to me. Menstruation is considered a disadvantage to being a woman. If we are considered unreasonable or cranky, men often ask us if it is "our time of the month." We dread this monthly occurrence, yet Steinem suggests that if men menstruated instead of women, it "would become an enviable, worthy, masculine event." It is clearly considered a weakness of women. Honestly, this whole debate comes down to perspective. All of these differences between men and women are made up, fabricated in our minds. It's almost as if we want to be different, want to be separated from the opposite sex. Men often claim superiority for many reasons, and after reading this article, I can see that clearly. The phrase "women are equal, just different" really rubbed me the wrong way. Why do we have to focus on differences? Also, women are not truly equal. Even in today's society, there is still discrimination and inequality.

One line that really stuck out to me was this one: "Judge Cites Monthlies In Pardoning Rapist." For one thing, I doubt anything like this would ever really happen. Also, when women try to blame their periods for being on edge, tired, or unable to do things because of cramps or other things that come along with our "monthly gift," they are just scoffed at and not believed. I just find it hard to believe that men would ever be able to use it as an excuse to this extent.

Obviously, I am very opinionated on this issue. I think being a woman myself has something to do with it. I don't think men and women will ever truly be equal, for more reasons than one. It just seems silly to me the "differences" people try to make up that exist between men and women--most of them are only in their heads and make for a more difficult life for everyone.